I’ve been thinking about writing a more serious version of this post for a while now. The “grumpy old white guys” from the coffee shop, were passing around an American guy’s ideas on this subject matter, on someone’s smart phone the other day, and having a good chuckle. So here is the VFAN version:
I never really understood why we send our youngest and brightest young men off to fight wars. In fact there is an age limit of 42 years in Canada, beyond which people are not eligible to join any of the branches of the armed forces. It would make perfect sense to go in the complete opposite direction and have a minimum age limit of 50 to join up. I have compiled a list of reasons why as follows:
1. Old guys would breeze through basic training, they would never get offended with the “Drop and give me 40 you maggot” spiel from a sadistic drill sergeant. After all they have had years of “You loaded the dishwasher the wrong way” or “You better get up that ladder and put up the Christmas lights and clean the gutters” and “Why did you wash that red shirt with all the white towels”.
2. Talking of basic training old guys are way fitter than young guys these days. If you want proof just go out on any Saturday or Sunday morning, endless columns of grey haired 60 something’s, riding, running, skiing, paddling like Olympic athletes. Admittedly the obstacle course could be a bit of a challenge, but realistically how many rope nets are there in the middle of the Syrian desert anyway?
3. Teenagers and twenty something’s can never get out of bed before noon. Old guys are up every hour going pee through the night, so a 5am roll call would be a walk in the park for them.
4. Old guys have bad backs, hip problems, knees that need replacing, so they are naturally grumpy. What group would be better at fighting terrorist assholes than a bunch of pissed off, in pain, pre-geriatrics? Anyway If old guys can’t kill the enemy, they would complain them into surrender. “My back hurts!” “I’m hungry!” ” The seat in this Humvee is really uncomfortable”
5. Young guys think about sex once every 10 seconds so find it difficult to concentrate on killing terrorist nar-do-wells. Old guys think about sex once every 10 days so would be way more focused on fighting and winning wars.
6. Apparently white Anglo-Saxon males are the most privileged, self-entitled, boorish demographic group in western society, they are the whipping boys of every other demographic group going. So if a few thousand of them went off to the Middle-East, who would even miss them? It would probably take their wives a couple of weeks to even notice that they were no longer sitting in the Lazi-boy.
7. How many 50 something men get made redundant from work and end up on the unemployment scrap heap, never to see another job again? What better way to solve this problem than to send them off to Iraq as cannon fodder for ISIS homicide bombers?
8. Old guys are the worst drivers going, but that wouldn’t matter. If you hit a few garbage cans, lamp posts or rear end a half track in a Humvee, no one would even notice, let alone be on the receiving end of a car insurance company, nagging wife or an overzealous ticket happy cop.
9. Old guys love guns and hanging out with their buddies. If you want proof of this try finding an old guy south of Bracebridge any time in October. So the military is a perfect fit, it would be like October all year round.
10. If sending old guys to fight wars works, maybe we could then try sending woman over 50 off to Iraq. A division of menopausal women would very quickly send ISIS combatants running for the hills or probably even cutting their own heads off.
Note: Before any of you peacenik lefty’s send me comments telling me “No one should be sent to fight wars” I am joking.